July 6th 2016
Andrew woke lazily from his slumber. His girlfriend and mother, Hannah, had already gotten up and his eyes opened as she made back toward the urine stained £25 Argos Futon (But they got it from Freecycle). As always she was carrying his most favourite breakfast of all – multi cheerios and a fruit shoot. This was a family committed to the organic and for two decades now Hannah would fill up the breakfast bowl of Andy and Danny with her own home made titty juice.
Leaving him the tray of breakfast items Hannah left the room. Today was Wednesday. And that meant ZUMBA. Even though the Last Chav in Cleveland had long since kicked the Zumba phenomenon, Hannah was ‘absolutely convinced’ that if she persisted long enough she would one day look exactly and precisely like Scarlett Johansson
No sooner had she gone than Andy put aside the tray and pressed the start button on his outdated computer. As Windows 98 whirred into life with a humming sound, his mind wandered to Operation Frankish. Filled with sudden girly rage he kicked out at his little table, knocking a shoe box of paperwork onto the carpet strewn which had stains of dubious origins.
He was surprised to see a photograph he thought he had long lost or gotten rid of. It was of his high school sweet hear, Miranda. Only when he had asked her out she had ran away laughing like so many girls before. “Oh Miranda” he mused “if only you could have loved me”. At that he threw the photograph into the bin which was already overflowing with used tissues. Ever since that rejection he had found two outlets for his sexual repression. Hannah. And watching endless hours of cuckold porn.
Finally his computer booted up and he was straight on to Facebook and the internet to see what Operation Frankish and the press were saying about him this time. Although still somewhat anxious that the Billingham Butcher was at large he felt somewhat comforted by the news that he’d been given a wee note for taking a photograph. “Mum showed them” he said quietly under his (yeasty smelling) breath.
The door opened and in waddled his younger sibling. Not technically a full blood brother, Daniel have been part of a Government sponsored experiment to “see what would happen when you crossed a person with a penguin”. Daniel was the outcome of that and the money all went on Hannah’s Pie Diet.
“What are we going to do Andrew” he asked. Andrew puffed himself up to his full 8 stone and then replied “We shall form a gang”. And so they spent the rest of Wednesday making calls, sending texts and mustering a powerful army.
Undeterred by the fact that almost everyone told them to “fuck off and play tig with the traffic” their persistence eventually paid off.
By the time mum came home from her shift as a “carer” (if that’s what they call it these days), they had formulated a list of warriors possibly not seen since the days of the Roman Empire.
Daniel ‘Bathtub resistant’ Frankish
Andrew ‘Muh Stress’ Frankish
Hannah and her special chemical chlamydia weapons.
Carl ‘Lefted’ Nixon (and his alter ego)
Liam ‘Occasional Cottager’ White
Peter ‘Penguin’ White
And that’s just SO FAR.
(Pictured. Carl ‘Lefted’ Nixon. Known to have an IQ in the 130 range and can kill a man with a sentence)
(Pictured – Hannah. Looks exactly and precisely like Scarlett Johansson)