July 7th 2016
Following last nights ‘Cobra Meeting’ the entire gang had assembled in a down town hotel in Darlington. No expense had been spared and no stone left unturned in their quest to assemble a crack fighting unit.
All members of their unit sat hushed in the room, the silence only being broken by the occasional sound of half boy/half penguin, Dan, eating his bucket of fish. Almost exactly like Yul Brynner in the ‘The Magnificent Seven’, Hannah cast an eye over the six fine specimens stood in front of her.
There were her four sons, Andrew, Daniel, Liam and Peter. Then there were her two former green beret veterans – Carl Nixon and David Westwood. Together with Vannah they made an unstoppable force.
Owing to an accidental overdose of gamma radiation each of the fighting team had developed and evolved their own special powers. A little bit like Pokemon except with the faint smell of Lambert & Butler (“cos they are cheapest) and stale body odour.
Momma. Special Powers. When faced with an adversary Momma is able to drop her knickers faster than the blink of the human eye. On her back and legs akimbo she aims her monstrous vagina at her enemy, shooting globs of chlamydia and thrush at them.
(Pictured. The Genesis of the brothers – the Vag of Doom. Able to shoot multiple STI’s up to three metres)
Andy and Liam. Both former ‘Afghani war veterans’ it is rumoured they were heavily involved in the raid on Bin Laden’s secret hideout.
(Pictured. Andrew/Liam. Note the suspiciously elongated head. May denote problem birth. Probably had his head stretched trying to release him from the vaginal vice like grip).
Daniel and Peter, The Boy Penguins. As explained yesterday, Daniel and his alter ego are not full blood brothers of Andrew and Liam. 20year ago Hannah was a bit short of money for “lottery tickets and power cards” that she accepted the £300 Government fee to breed with a penguin. Let’s be honest its an upgrade on what she was used to. The outcome of this experiment was Danny/Peter. Special powers include copious amounts of fish consumption. Its believed that despite being head hunted by Eton and Harvard that they instead chose the globally exclusive ‘Redcar College’. After days of study they finally emerged with their totally pointless little certificate proving their proficiency in progressive studies – ‘The Butt Plug, Its history, Its uses’.
(Pictured. Daniel/Peter. Half boy. Half penguin. Full cunt. )
Carl/David. Carl was a Vietnam war veteran and six times decorated, including a purple heart. Rumour has it he developed his own special Kung Fu move. He had developed it while held as a POW by the Viet Cong. By simply touching you on a ‘totally unknown pressure point’ he can create an air bubble in your system that gradually works its way to your heart and kills you. While held as a POW he/they lived entirely on condensation and “the vitamins in the air”.
(Pictured. Carl Nixon. Identical in ‘many many ways’ to Keyser Söze)
Despite their apparent small number they were not without state support. Indeed, lest Vannah needed anything from a hotel to a new house to a new name, all she needed to do was give the special signal and someone would come running.
It was modeled very much on the Bat signal. Except that instead of an image of a bat she gets Carl to “shine his torch through her thong”. This creates an extremely impressive and high tech CGI image in the sky. When seen bleeding heart officials come to their aid with free stuff.